Halloween will never be the same

So, I used to love Halloween. Just a few years ago, it was still one of my favorite holidays. When I was a kid I loved it for all the obvious reasons, and since becoming a parent I've loved watching my kids get so excited about dressing up and trick-or-treating.

Then 2 years ago, all of that changed. 2 years ago on Halloween, I checked my email and received this message....."I would call you, but right now I'm too shook up to talk. Dad had a lot of tests last week, and just found out what we have feared. He has prostate cancer. It is also in a lot of his bones. We will know more when we go to the oncologist Thursday. I am sooooo sorry to have to tell you this. Please remember him in your prayers--and your fasting this Sunday. Love, Mom."

I immediately called my Dad and he was so cheerful when he answered. But by the end of the call we were both in tears. My Dad, who was always my rock, was crying. It seemed so strange to hear the fear in his voice, but at the same time I could hear him trying to be brave...for me. When I hung up, I called David and asked him to come home from work. I knew that I couldn't be alone. I knew that I couldn't face the children and prepare for the night's activities by myself. So together we got the kids in their costumes that evening and took them trick-or-treating. It took everything I had to put a smile on my face and go, but I knew that as a parent I had to do the same thing my Dad had done for me earlier that day. I had to be brave...for the kids.

After trick-or-treating, I went over to my parents' house and sat with my them while Dad was given a blessing by the Bishop and his counselors. It was a beautiful moment, and I felt so strongly that he would fight this terrible illness.

Dad loved Halloween, and he and my Mom would always come up with such random, crazy costumes. They were put together with various pieces of clothing and old wigs that they happened to have around from years of Halloweens. Last Halloween I got another email from Mom..."Dad is doing really well, other than getting tired easily. To celebrate his health, I am getting costumes out in a few minutes and we are going to have fun dressing up for the trick-or-treaters." We went to visit them that night and he was doing pretty good. It was fun for them to get to see the kids in their cute costumes, and we had a nice visit.

6 months later, he was gone, and we are forced to begin the year of "firsts without Dad". So this was my first Halloween without him. My Mom's first Halloween passing out candy alone. I didn't expect today to be as difficult as it was, for it to be so hard to put on a smile and take the kids around the neighborhood. But then seeing the smiles on their faces as they ran from house to house, shouting "trick-or-treat" at the top of their lungs, I knew that Grandpa was watching them, and it made me smile. I may just learn to love Halloween again after all.

{Me, Mom & Dad Halloween 1989}

{Dad Halloween 2007}

{Buddha, Beanie, Princess & Munchkin 2008}